Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
