Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
