For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
She bit a glass in half.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
lol hangovers are for mortals.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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