why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
