my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Randomize
