I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
