walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
