Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
