Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
