I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
