Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
