Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
