and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
