so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
