Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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