he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
