I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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