Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
