Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
