if you like me you must not know who I am
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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