How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Randomize
