i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
