I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
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