My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
