either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
