Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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