theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
