Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
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