I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
