the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
