we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
You have to summon your inner elephant
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
