What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
