you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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