i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
i drank out of a bidet.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
