I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
