Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
