so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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