i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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