I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize