That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
