How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
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He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
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I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
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