so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
