You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
