theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
