Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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