We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
