i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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