Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
