I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
You may now shotgun with the bride
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
