I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
