I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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