Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
