i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
