hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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